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LAGNIAPPE Class Reportby Andy Borowitz |
CHARLES T. (SUDSY) SLOUGHTON JR. Home Address: 38 Prescott St., Cambridge, Mass. 02138. Occupation: M.B.A. candidate, Harvard Business School.
Fear not: the Awesome Foursome of Winthrop House parties on! Three weeks after graduation (and once our heinous hangovers wore off), Wuggy, Bobo, Slojo, and yours truly hung up our lacrosse sticks to pursue various (and nefarious) activities. Eventually bowing to pressure from certain ancestors who tired of all the carpet-cleaning bills, I enrolled at H.B.S. (emphasis on the B.S.!) where I am working on my M.B.A. (Master of Brewski Absorption).
When it comes to marriage, if I may quote my favorite band, Boston: "I'm just takin' my time." Right now, there doesn't seem to be much incentive to settle down: I have too many bodacious options.
I won't be at the reunion, as I'll be boogie-boarding in Baja (don't ask!), but I'm sure a righteous time will be had by all. I hope when you're all booting on the steps of Widener you'll think of me.
C. THORNTON SLOUGHTON JR. Home Address: 12 E. 92nd St., New York, N.Y. 10128. Occupation and Business Address: Partner, Hextall Thrillkill LLP, 1 World Financial Center, New York, N.Y. 10281. Graduate Degree: M.B.A., Harvard. Spouse/ Partner: Hollis Smearcase, June, 1980 (Wellesley '76). Children: Chase, 1980; Morgan, 1981; Citibank, 1983.
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I am currently enjoying my position as partner in the investment firm of Hextall Thrillkill, specializing in high-yield debt securities. Often erroneously called "junk bonds" by our more envious competitors, these magnificent securities enable our clients to raise capital and grow their businesses exponentially. In layman's terms, I am making tubs and tubs of money.
I am married to the lovely and gifted Hollis Smearcase, who is devoting all her time and energy to redecorating our co-op, having recently left her position in the Aged Meats Department at Sotheby's. Sorry I'm going to miss the reunion, but we're committed to hosting a benefit for Hollis's favorite charity, the Museum of Pocketbooks and Belts. I'd love to hear from the old Winthrop House gang sometime. If any of you are ever in New York, feel free to call my office.
CHARLES SLOUGHTON JR. Home Address: Harvard Club of New York, 27 W. 44th St., New York, N.Y. 10036. Occupation: Consultant. Spouse/Partner: None.
Two years after I was banned for life from the securities industry and my wife left me for our closet-builder (who, in retrospect, probably should have put a lock on that closet), I can't say that I'm "bitter." However, as you all chug-a-lug your whiskey sours and brag about your fat year-end bonuses, don't kid yourselves by thinking what I thought--that bad things like this can't happen to you, they only happen to people from Brown. By the way, "nice" of all of my Winthrop House "friends" to "stand by me" during my "hour" of "need."
Would love to be at the reunion, but unfortunately, I'm being deposed that weekend (don't ask). Don't let that stop the rest of you from having a wonderful time. May you all rot in hell.
CHARLEY SLOUGHTON. Home Address: Bolivia. Occupation: Time-Borrower, Planet Earth.
Every morning I take my little fishing boat out to the water and every night I bring it back in. While I am not a fisherman, nor are there any fish here, I find the simple act of bringing my little boat out and back oddly calming. Unfortunately, I will not be attending the reunion, as I am being exorcised by a village shaman.
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CHARLES T. (SUDSY) SLOUGHTON JR. Home Address: Trump International Tower, 1 Central Park West, New York, N.Y. 10023 Occupation: Internet Entrepreneur. Spouse/Partner: Heidi Sundstrumstrum (Wonderbra model). Child: Cisco, 1998.
Three years ago, I lay in the pelting rain, having been thrown out of my mud hut in a dispute over the correct pronunciation of chorizo. After four hours of being pecked by birds, I had an epiphany: what was I doing in Bolivia when everybody else was cashing in on the Internet? Today I am the founding owner of the cyberspace powerhouse Things.com. While it is not entirely clear to me what my company does, we have a market capitalization of $12 billion (don't ask!).
I'm really stoked about going to the reunion! I hope Wuggy, Bobo, and Slojo are there to tie one on with me. It promises to be bodacious.